About Jennifer

I am a mother first and foremost. I am also a mother who lost a child, suddenly and tragically. Like other bereaved Mothers, I am trying to find my way back, and writing and creativity is a huge part of that. I hope by documenting my climb out of this, that my walk, my struggles, my failings, my faith, my honesty, and my choice to live-in every sense of the word, will help someone else do the same.

The Last First-Day-Of-School

Child Loss, The Last firs-day-of-school, child loss and the start of school, losing a school age child, Until I Hold you again, child loss awareness

I stood on our deck in the perfect evening air and stared up at what was a magnificent sky. A full moon, jet black sky with stars everywhere. The moon was so bright I could see the colors of all the flowers and trees around me. The sharp blueish-white cast from the moon decorated the yard and porch in an eerie but beautiful glow. Our favorite kind of night, peaceful and artistic. The kind of night he and I would sit out here together, looking at the sky and chatting about whatever. In the moonlight I saw him running in … Continue reading

Aiden’s Light Memorial Fund Update

Aiden's Light memorial Fund, Soccer charity, Child loss memorial fund,

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.   -John 1:5 There is little comfort to be had in the weeks surrounding the death of your child. It is marked for many with heightened anxiety, deeply difficult feelings of loss and pain, and of course, the wondering of “What would they be like now? What would they look like? What would they be doing?” We don’t just lose our child, we lose everything they would become, everything they would do, every wondrous step along the life-long path from childhood to adulthood. One comfort that has shone … Continue reading

Spring Keeps On Singing

His absence is a dissonant reverberation in the very heart of my soul. Always there, always droning. I realize it’s song is one with me now. Not in me, but part of me. The thick wires of the instrument vibrating continuously. Sometimes a low hum, other times a pounding orchestration of missing, anger, confusion, pain, shame, fear, longing that thrashes and shreds from within. How terribly awful the proof of one’s unconditional love can be. Ceaseless crazy love. Something like that woke me this morning. It was not the usual beeping of the bus at the corner. It was a … Continue reading

Stop The Clock

The last of the tiny sands of time from 2017 are silently slipping through the hour glass as I write this. I have always loved hour glasses, admiring them in a pensive sort of way.  I guess I’m captured by the curves of the slender glass, the hypnotizing flow of the sands, but especially their fragility. Like the glass could crack and shatter at the slightest disturbance, the sands of time set adrift to an arbitrary future after such simple predictability.  I can relate to an hour-glass. The passage of time for us is so littered with contradictions, it’s maddening. … Continue reading

So, how was your Thanksgiving…really?

Thanksgiving, holidays after child loss, grief during holidays, holiday grieving, life without your child,

If you are one that needs the silver lining, or the big positive spin at the end, this post is not for you. Really. If you’re offended by a little  profanity, click the “X” and skip this one.   “So, how was your Thanksgiving…really?” Year #1 Thanksgiving. As most could only imagine, it was unimaginable. Like nothing I ever thought I could survive. The waves of drowning grief were riding in like a raging storm- punishing and relentless. We were still coping hour to hour. Simply existing was agony. I hosted Thanksgiving. We cooked, we ate, we drank, we did. I ducked … Continue reading

Grieving The Holidays

Grieving The Holidays, Surviving The Holidays After The Loss of a Child, Grief,

Somewhat by my own doing, life has spun out of control lately. Over-committed, over-worked, over-stressed and under-rested topped off with an extraordinarily heavy emotional burden. I didn’t plan well. I didn’t say ‘no’ when I should have, I had no form of self-care and it was the perfect storm for a grief break-down. Grieving the holidays begins long before the holidays and this was not a good way to enter them. October (Aiden’s birthday) through January are months we sort of wish away. They are so heavy and so hard. I feel like I pull myself back up from his … Continue reading

After Bad Things Happen To Good People

Bad things happen to good people, Hope is what tethers us to faith. hope of reunion with Christ and our child, child loss, grief

After Bad Things Happen To Good People By most standards we would be considered “good people”. We are also the good people who a horribly bad thing happened to. Walking, breathing proof that bad things do happen to good people. I’ve heard, “When I’m having a bad day, I think of you and what you must have to go through everyday and I don’t feel so bad.”  As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want to be the poster-Mom for how bad your life could be. (Look at her and count your blessings!) I will never understand this and we … Continue reading

Like When…

Like When...random thoughts only a bereaved parent would understand

They are gone, yet we see them everywhere. They don’t stand before us, but they consume our thoughts and dreams. We cannot touch or smell them but we imagine every circumstance with them in it. Excruciatingly absent. Ever-present.   LIKE WHEN… …random moments only parents of loss would know. Like when you are on the treadmill at the gym and 2 young boys, exactly your sons should-be-age get on the treadmill in front of you. They are the same build as your son, they are wearing the EXACT clothes your son wore and one of them even resembles your son. … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since The Loss of My Child Pt. 2

Finding joy after child loss, loss is a continuous experience,

  The sun was high and radiant, the lake gleaming and alive.  Flickering prisms of light danced across the surface of the afternoon water. This is our ‘good’ time of year-summer. The humming motor is such a comforting sound as are everyone’s voices. Friends and family. I have Noah near me today so my soul is happy. We’re all smiling and laughing- I’m content even. He is surfing on the wake behind the boat and I’m thinking of how beautiful he is and how grateful I am for him. I’m so happy in that moment as words trickle through my … Continue reading

The Other Side of Mother’s Day

The Other Side of Mothers Day, Mothers Day, Bereaved Moms on Mothers Day

  Mother’s Day was my most treasured holiday, ever since I was pregnant with my first and our Pastor announced our big news from the pulpit on Mothers Day, 1994. I was in a red dress and heels and I was beaming. A child. Mine. I had never known such thorough joy as I did then. Yet I never once contemplated what it may be like for others. I would dress my boys in their button up shirts and ties for church on Mother’s Day. I was never more grateful for my life than on that day. All I ever wanted-my life was … Continue reading