The Other Side of Mother’s Day

The Other Side of Mothers Day

Mother’s Day was always my most treasured holiday, ever since I was pregnant with my first and our Pastor announced our big news from the pulpit for the first time on Mothers Day, 1994. I was in a red dress and heels and beaming. A child. Mine. I had never known such pure and thorough joy as I did then. Yet I never once contemplated what it may be like for others. I would dress my boys all up in their little shirts and ties for church on Mother’s Day. I was never more grateful for my life than on that day. All … Continue reading

Surviving Christmas Without Your Child

Surviving Christmas Without Your Child

I must survive Christmas without my child. Again. I’m really trying not to dread the holidays. Trying to embrace them though is like trying to embrace a snarling beast. You might find a safe spot to hug, but most likely it’s going to hurt like hell. Last year without our son was everything you would imagine the first Christmas without your child to be and then some. I have learned that everyday after losing a child you must make a decision to want to continue to live or wanting to die. And by “die”, I don’t necessarily mean leaving this earth. There are many ways … Continue reading

What Would You Do, Mom? Grieving a child without your Mother on Mother’s Day.

Surviving child loss without Mom, Mothers day without Mom. What would Mom do?

Last Mothers Day is mostly a non-memory for me. My only recollection is sitting on the back steps of the cabin we were staying at, holding my husband and sobbing on his left shoulder while he talked to his Mom on the phone. I remember stifling my cries and thinking “I know he’s trying to talk to his Mom, but I just can’t stop.” And I couldn’t.  I remember feeling like if I let go of him, I’d sink into the bowels of the earth and never make it out. The sorrow and pain was unhinging me. It was un-Godly every … Continue reading

Coming Back From Christmas

That is why we go back in our minds re-living the events while inserting our child where he should have been. It takes so much time and energy and there is such a toll we pay, but it's what we do.

COMING BACK FROM CHRISTMAS I do realize the holidays have been over for weeks and I’m not timely-at all. I have found, in the wake of the holidays, that I have spent a lot of time simply being. Being in a chair without the lights or TV on. Just sitting. Waking up before dawn and being at the big window in the back, looking out into the dark of what will soon be day. Another day. Being on a task and realizing I’ve been standing still for quite some time staring blankly into a time that feels like a different life than mine, but it’s not. Being while my mind slowly deconstructs … Continue reading

This Is How We Go On…October 17, 2015

Learning how to get through the first 's without your chlld.

THIS IS HOW WE GO ON, OCTOBER 17, 2015 It took some time for the reality, the emotion and the images of the weekend to sink in. It kind of hit us mid-week and into the next weekend so I couldn’t really think about writing about it until recently. The week following Aiden’s birthday was heavy and sad. It carried the sorrow that probably would’ve surfaced over the weekend had it not been for the people that were, gratefully, with us continually. But I did show up, like I vowed I would. It was everything it could’ve been-thanks entireley to the people who made sure it … Continue reading