Grieving The Holidays

Grieving The Holidays, Surviving The Holidays After The Loss of a Child, Grief,

Somewhat by my own doing, life has spun out of control lately. Over-committed, over-worked, over-stressed and under-rested topped off with an extraordinarily heavy emotional burden. I didn’t plan well. I didn’t say ‘no’ when I should have, I had no form of self-care and it was the perfect storm for a grief break-down. Grieving the holidays begins long before the holidays and this was not a good way to enter them. October (Aiden’s birthday) through January are months we sort of wish away. They are so heavy and so hard. I feel like I pull myself back up from his … Continue reading

After Bad Things Happen To Good People

Bad things happen to good people, Hope is what tethers us to faith. hope of reunion with Christ and our child, child loss, grief

After Bad Things Happen To Good People By most standards we would be considered “good people”. We are also the good people who a horribly bad thing happened to. Walking, breathing proof that bad things do happen to good people. I’ve heard, “When I’m having a bad day, I think of you and what you must have to go through everyday and I don’t feel so bad.”  As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want to be the poster-Mom for how bad your life could be. (Look at her and count your blessings!) I will never understand this and we … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since The Loss of My Child Pt. 2

Finding joy after child loss, loss is a continuous experience,

  The sun was high and radiant, the lake gleaming and alive.  Flickering prisms of light danced across the surface of the afternoon water. This is our ‘good’ time of year-summer. The humming motor is such a comforting sound as are everyone’s voices. Friends and family. I have Noah near me today so my soul is happy. We’re all smiling and laughing- I’m content even. He is surfing on the wake behind the boat and I’m thinking of how beautiful he is and how grateful I am for him. I’m so happy in that moment as words trickle through my … Continue reading

The Other Side of Mother’s Day

The Other Side of Mothers Day

Mother’s Day was always my most treasured holiday, ever since I was pregnant with my first and our Pastor announced our big news from the pulpit for the first time on Mothers Day, 1994. I was in a red dress and heels and beaming. A child. Mine. I had never known such pure and thorough joy as I did then. Yet I never once contemplated what it may be like for others. I would dress my boys all up in their little shirts and ties for church on Mother’s Day. I was never more grateful for my life than on that day. All … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since the Loss of my Child Pt. I

What I've Learned Since The Loss of my Child

I was laying down the other night in his spot, which is also my spot. That side of the couch where he liked to lay down when we watched our shows, The Voice, Face Off and Fringe. We so looked forward to those nights-homework, shower, a snack and one of our shows. I loved that we had this routine and quiet time together. I can see him now like it was yesterday. It hurts so much to even watch a commercial for one of those shows. Yes, still. I’m staring blankly at the ceiling fan circling around and around, entranced somewhat by it’s motion as I think of … Continue reading

Surviving Christmas Without Your Child

Surviving Christmas Without Your Child

I must survive Christmas without my child. Again. I’m really trying not to dread the holidays. Trying to embrace them though is like trying to embrace a snarling beast. You might find a safe spot to hug, but most likely it’s going to hurt like hell. Last year without our son was everything you would imagine the first Christmas without your child to be and then some. I have learned that everyday after losing a child you must make a decision to want to continue to live or wanting to die. And by “die”, I don’t necessarily mean leaving this earth. There are many ways … Continue reading

Disoriented

disoriented by grief, in the mind of a bereaved parent

  Disoriented. That’s how it feels sometimes, maybe a lot of the time. On some days I must seem a little distant as a result. Not spacey, but just slightly removed. I try not to be when other people are around, but many times it is when other people are around that our minds are brought back to places and times that once were, or thrown forward to places and times that won’t be. I am aware of the momentary disconnect this can create and often think people must wonder what goes on in my head. Possibly we all appear so ‘normal’ and ‘good’ that most think … Continue reading

Child Loss Literacy-The Judgement Rant

Child Loss Awareness,

I’m not typically a ranter, but I had a rant this week and it was necessary. This was a Facebook post written out of anger, frustration and helplessness for what others think and say about how grievers may choose to grieve and learn to live again. We need some child loss literacy training in our culture. This isn’t just about me, but more about what I’ve heard from this community of Mom’s.                                                                     … Continue reading