What Mother’s Miss, A Journal Entry

What Mothers Miss, Living without Your Child, Child loss, Until I hold you again

One of your buddies was in the office today. He had on your bracelet. Aiden #18. He is so tall his legs come off the end of the table, like yours would. Soccer try-outs were this week. You would be there. You should be there. I miss you so badly I don’t know where to put the pain sometimes. The list of what I am missing about you feels endless, I guess it is endless, because my days without you are-endless. Forever. I know the others must feel this way too, so this is for them as well.  Journal entry, … Continue reading

The Year In Grief Pt. 2

Grief, loss of child, The Year In Grief, Until I Hold You Again, Surviving the loss of a child,

The Year In Grief Pt. 2 Another year can be a relief- another year survived, another year closer to reunion with our child. Another year can also feel like the tiniest step in an infinite trial. Here is part 2 of some observations from 2018. My Living Children Are “OK” Right Now. After a recent conversation in our parents group, I have decided to edit this section a bit. I want to be optimistic about the well-being of my surviving boys however I cannot let my desire for them to be ok blind me from their reality.  Originally this section … Continue reading

The Year In Grief- Observations From 2018

Coexistence of Joy and Pain, Contradictions in living with the loss of a child, bereaved parents, another year without your child

The Year In Grief (Part I); You would think a couple of years into living with the chronic pain of child loss that not much would change, that the learning curve would be waning down. That’s not the case. I am constantly observing new things about this life, about others and about continuing to live while grieving the loss of my son. Here are some thoughts from myself and others who walk this path with me; God gives me the strength for this day.  There are days where I wander about directionless, lost in foggy disorientation. There are days when the … Continue reading

Living In The Gap

Beyond The Veil, Waiting For Heaven, Missing your Child

  LIVING IN THE GAP- Insight on the disconnect grieving parents feel interpersonally and spiritually in the unrecognizable world they live in.  I remember scuba diving years ago and being very deep. We were in the Caymens and exploring farther out and deeper down. It was glorious and exhilarating! A stunning new world we were discovering together. We were exploring down the side of an underwater cliff when the sea floor seemed to disappear beneath us. We had reached a fissure so deep and so wide the bottom was undetectable-miles and miles down. My earth-dwelling instincts made my heart start, feeling … Continue reading

Spring Keeps On Singing

His absence is a dissonant reverberation in the very heart of my soul. Always there, always droning. I realize it’s song is one with me now. Not in me, but part of me. The thick wires of the instrument vibrating continuously. Sometimes a low hum, other times a pounding orchestration of missing, anger, confusion, pain, shame, fear and longing that thrashes and shreds from within. How terribly awful the proof of one’s unconditional love can be. Ceaseless crazy love. Something like that woke me this morning. It was not the usual beeping of the bus at the corner. It was … Continue reading

Grieving The Holidays

Grieving The Holidays, Surviving The Holidays After The Loss of a Child, Grief,

Somewhat by my own doing, life has spun out of control lately. Over-committed, over-worked, over-stressed and under-rested and carrying an extraordinarily heavy emotional burden. I didn’t plan well. I didn’t say ‘no’ when I should have, I had no form of self-care and it was the perfect storm for a grief break-down. Grieving the holidays begins long before the holidays and this was not a good way to enter this most difficult time of the year. October (HIs birthday) through January are months we sort of wish away. They are so heavy and hard. I feel like I pull myself … Continue reading

After Bad Things Happen To Good People

Bad things happen to good people, Hope is what tethers us to faith. hope of reunion with Christ and our child, child loss, grief

After Bad Things Happen To Good People By most standards we would be considered “good people”. We are also the good people who a horribly bad thing happened to. Walking, breathing proof that bad things do happen to good people. I’ve heard, “When I’m having a bad day, I think of you and what you must have to go through everyday and I don’t feel so bad.”  As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want to be the poster-Mom for how bad your life could be. (Look at her and count your blessings!) I will never understand this and we … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since The Loss of My Child Pt. 2

Finding joy after child loss, loss is a continuous experience,

  The sun was high and radiant, the lake gleaming and alive.  Flickering prisms of light danced across the surface of the afternoon water. This is our ‘good’ time of year-summer. The humming motor is such a comforting sound as are everyone’s voices. Friends and family. I have Noah near me today so my soul is happy. We’re all smiling and laughing- I’m content even. He is surfing on the wake behind the boat and I’m thinking of how beautiful he is and how grateful I am for him. I’m so happy in that moment as words trickle through my … Continue reading

The Other Side of Mother’s Day

The Other Side of Mothers Day, Mothers Day, Bereaved Moms on Mothers Day

  Mother’s Day was my most treasured holiday, ever since I was pregnant with my first and our Pastor announced our big news from the pulpit on Mothers Day, 1994. I was in a red dress and heels and I was beaming. A child. Mine. I had never known such thorough joy as I did then. Yet I never once contemplated what it may be like for others. I would dress my boys in their button up shirts and ties for church on Mother’s Day. I was never more grateful for my life than on that day. All I ever wanted-my life was … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since the Loss of my Child Pt. I

What I've Learned Since The Loss of my Child

I was laying down the other night in his spot, which is also my spot. That side of the couch where he liked to lay down when we watched our shows, The Voice, Face Off and Fringe. We so looked forward to those nights-homework, shower, a snack and one of our shows. I loved that we had this routine and quiet time together. I can see him now like it was yesterday. It hurts so much to even watch a commercial for one of those shows. Yes, still. I’m staring blankly at the ceiling fan circling around and around, entranced somewhat by it’s motion as I think of … Continue reading