What Mother’s Miss, A Journal Entry

What Mothers Miss, Living without Your Child, Child loss, Until I hold you again

One of your buddies was in the office today. He had on your bracelet. Aiden #18. He is so tall his legs come off the end of the table, like yours would. Soccer try-outs were this week. You would be there. You should be there. I miss you so badly I don’t know where to put the pain sometimes. It’s’ long, but the list of what I am missing is much longer. I know the others must feel this way too, so this is for them as well.  Journal entry, March 8, 2019 I fear forgetting a single thing. I … Continue reading

The Last First-Day-Of-School

Child Loss, The Last firs-day-of-school, child loss and the start of school, losing a school age child, Until I Hold you again, child loss awareness

I stood on our deck in the perfect evening air and stared up at what was a magnificent sky. A full moon, jet black sky with stars everywhere. The moon was so bright I could see the colors of all the flowers and trees around me. The sharp blueish-white cast from the moon decorated the yard and porch in an eerie but beautiful glow. Our favorite kind of night, peaceful and artistic. The kind of night he and I would sit out here together, looking at the sky and chatting about whatever. In the moonlight I saw him running in … Continue reading

Like When…

Like When...random thoughts only a bereaved parent would understand

They are gone, yet we see them everywhere. They don’t stand before us, but they consume our thoughts and dreams. We cannot touch or smell them but we imagine every circumstance with them in it. Excruciatingly absent. Ever-present.   LIKE WHEN… …random moments only parents of loss would know. Like when you are on the treadmill at the gym and 2 young boys, exactly your sons should-be-age get on the treadmill in front of you. They are the same build as your son, they are wearing the EXACT clothes your son wore and one of them even resembles your son. … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since The Loss of My Child Pt. 2

Finding joy after child loss, loss is a continuous experience,

  The sun was high and radiant, the lake gleaming and alive.  Flickering prisms of light danced across the surface of the afternoon water. This is our ‘good’ time of year-summer. The humming motor is such a comforting sound as are everyone’s voices. Friends and family. I have Noah near me today so my soul is happy. We’re all smiling and laughing- I’m content even. He is surfing on the wake behind the boat and I’m thinking of how beautiful he is and how grateful I am for him. I’m so happy in that moment as words trickle through my … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since the Loss of my Child Pt. I

What I've Learned Since The Loss of my Child

I was laying down the other night in his spot, which is also my spot. That side of the couch where he liked to lay down when we watched our shows, The Voice, Face Off and Fringe. We so looked forward to those nights-homework, shower, a snack and one of our shows. I loved that we had this routine and quiet time together. I can see him now like it was yesterday. It hurts so much to even watch a commercial for one of those shows. Yes, still. I’m staring blankly at the ceiling fan circling around and around, entranced somewhat by it’s motion as I think of … Continue reading

Child Loss Literacy-The Judgement Rant

Child Loss Awareness,

I’m not typically a ranter, but I had a rant this week and it was necessary. This was a Facebook post written out of anger, frustration and helplessness for what others think and say about how grievers may choose to grieve and learn to live again. We need some child loss literacy training in our culture. This isn’t just about me, but more about what I’ve heard from this community of Mom’s.                                                                     … Continue reading

The Prize Fighter

endurance for grief, child loss, surviving after loss of a child

THE PRIZE FIGHTER I have the unfortunate privilege of being a part of an on-line community of hundreds of amazing and brave bereaved mothers who seek the comfort and understanding of other women who are trying to survive the loss of their child. They seek this comfort largely because there is acknowledgement and understanding. People who “get it” 24/7. There are many common threads in the conversations including the frustration and pain of people trying to push a silver lining into your child’s loss (“But think of all the memories you have!”), being misunderstood because many think there is an end-point in the grief of child-loss, wishing the ones they love could understand what … Continue reading

Unrequited Need

UNREQUITED NEED I was probably just boarding the plane to get back to face it. The unimaginable. By the grace of God, I was with N.  We were both quaking, sobbing, holding on to one another for life-literally, in fresh shock, while someone wrongly jumped to a conclusion about what happened and posted it on social media. An adult did this. Announcing to my world, to Aiden’s world, assumptions about our tragedy without knowing a thing about it. They were wrong, as most people who jump to conclusions and voice it to the world are, but it started a chain of the most irresponsible and damaging … Continue reading

Find Rescue From The Bad Days

8 TIPS FOR GRIEF

I’m not going to lie, it has been a rough couple of weeks. We had such an unexpectedly good week after dropping N off at college, deep down I knew the other shoe would have to drop. It was a big shoe and it dropped Monday, on what would’ve been Aiden’s first day of 7th grade. I knew it was coming and I was a little anxious about it, but had no idea it would be as difficult as it was. I think I was still celebrating how well our first week of empty nest went that I didn’t see this coming … Continue reading

Celebrate The Victories

celebrate the victories, fighter

We spent our first official night as Empty Nesters and I am excited to report that we are OK! Both of us. For those of you who are familiar with this blog, you know that “empty nest” has much more significance to us since the death of our youngest son. Our treasured, precious son. ( My gosh every time I write those words it still makes my heart skip a beat and my breath come short ) It was not supposed to be this way. We are trudging through the very early stages of grief from a tragic loss and now have … Continue reading