The Cairn, Encouragement On The Path

The Cairn, encouragement for the path, Hiking, healing, child loss, Sedona, cairn, surviving loss of a child, evidence of God

  The Summit-less Path of the Bereaved Parent A few years ago we discovered the freedom and exhilaration that hiking in the mountains can bring. We find an enormous amount of peace and relief from the chronic pain of child loss there. Through the black fog of grief, we are able to see the tangible evidence of God and His presence when He otherwise seems so distant. That is no small gift. Being emersed in the most beautiful parts of His world, being immersed in Him, shows us that He is, and that is enough.   If He is, then … Continue reading

Focus on The Light-Keeping a heavenly perspective at Christmas

Focus On the Light, Surviving the holidays after loss of a child, When Christmas hurts, Until I hold you again, Light of Christ

  FOCUS ON THE LIGHT-Keeping a heavenly perspective at Christmas.  This time of year, when the world is sparkly and rejoicing, it feels particularly harsh against the shadowy backdrop of this life where my son is gone. The Christmas season makes the already gaping wounds of child-loss seep and throb. As I try to function like the old me and keep up with the additional stress and demands, the ambush of grief seems to be constant and everywhere. The parades, the parties, the shows, Christmas cards arriving daily, non-stop commercials and the worst, for me- Christmas music. It’s everywhere. Music … Continue reading

After 5 Thanksgivings, Where Gratitude Lies

After 5 Thanksgiving, where gratitude lies, Thanksgiving, Gratitude in Child loss, Grieving through the holidays, Surviving the loss of a child,

After 5 Thanksgivings without one of my children, I have learned so much of what I wish I never had to know. Such as, that living without him on any given day is brutally painful, and each day I must do it all over again. As hard as ‘normal’ everyday-days are, the holidays are exponentially worse and that fact has not changed. The ache cuts deeper and it’s a form of loneliness only a parent of loss can understand. The hole in our lives feels darker and harder to walk around this time of year. By contrast, the frenzy and … Continue reading

Where God Is

Where God Is Though none of us have spoken of it, it’s significant and I know we are all aware in varying degrees. It’s our first family vacation since he has been gone. I am sitting here alone on the deck of our rental in Wyoming. The boys are hiking without me today and I’m wishing I had gone. Loneliness, my faithful companion, is sitting on my chest. I’m struggling being here without Aiden and being alone has nudged me to that emotional line. He is everywhere, but nowhere. There isn’t a place in the world he would love more … Continue reading

Aiden’s Light Memorial Fund Update

Aiden's Light memorial Fund, Soccer charity, Child loss memorial fund,

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.   -John 1:5 There is little comfort to be had in the weeks surrounding the death of your child. It is marked for many with heightened anxiety, deeply difficult feelings of loss and pain, and of course, the wondering of “What would they be like now? What would they look like? What would they be doing?” We don’t just lose our child, we lose everything they would become, everything they would do, every wondrous step along the life-long path from childhood to adulthood. One comfort that has shone … Continue reading

Stop The Clock

The sands of time, new years with loss of a child, missing your child

The last of the tiny sands of time from 2017 are silently slipping through the hour glass as I write this. I have always loved hour glasses, admiring them in a pensive sort of way.  I’m captured by the curves of the slender glass, the hypnotizing flow of the sands, but especially their fragility. Knowing the glass could crack and shatter at the slightest disturbance, the sands of time set adrift to an arbitrary future after such simple predictability.  I can relate to an hour-glass. That has been my experience. The passage of time for us is so littered with … Continue reading

What I’ve Learned Since the Loss of my Child Pt. I

What I've Learned Since The Loss of my Child

I was laying down the other night in his spot, which is also my spot. That side of the couch where he liked to lay down when we watched our shows, The Voice, Face Off and Fringe. We so looked forward to those nights-homework, shower, a snack and one of our shows. I loved that we had this routine and quiet time together. I can see him now like it was yesterday. It hurts so much to even watch a commercial for one of those shows. Yes, still. I’m staring blankly at the ceiling fan circling around and around, entranced somewhat by it’s motion as I think of … Continue reading

Another Year

Another Year, New Year Resolutions for Bereaved parents, A new year brings a new need for reliance on Christ. An enduring reliance from an enduring savior.

  REMEMBERANCE I woke this morning to a scene of quiet serenity outside. It snowed here last night so the ground is covered in white and the soft hush that accompanies snowstorms is present. It’s beautiful. I’ve always loved snowstorms. Aiden loved snowstorms. I begin to think about how excited he would be right now and how he should be here, and the beauty I’m enjoying is quickly blanketed in sorrow. Why my child? Why us? Why can’t he be looking out at the snow with me right now? God, I miss him. The coexistence of love and pain, joy and anger, laughter … Continue reading

Unrequited Need

UNREQUITED NEED I was probably just boarding the plane to get back to face it. The unimaginable. By the grace of God, I was with N.  We were both quaking, sobbing, holding on to one another for life-literally, in fresh shock, while someone wrongly jumped to a conclusion about what happened and posted it on social media. An adult did this. Announcing to my world, to Aiden’s world, assumptions about our tragedy without knowing a thing about it. They were wrong, as most people who jump to conclusions and voice it to the world are, but it started a chain of the most irresponsible and damaging … Continue reading

The Others

Layers of grief

THE OTHERS October 22 I hear the thud of the basket ball hitting the pavement. So close it could be our driveway. A few deep rubbery thuds then the reverberating sound of the ball hitting the backboard and rim, then the thud again . It repeats. Thud…thud…thud…thud… then the voices…pause…clank. This goes on and repeats several times. I smile and sense the peace that comes with that sound. He is next door, so close, and outside with his best friend and the others- all such good friends. I hear the laughing and the exclamations. I relax at that sound. He’s close, he’s safe, he’s … Continue reading