Though none of us have spoken of it, it’s significant and I know we are all aware in individual degrees. It’s our first family vacation since he has been gone. I am sitting here alone on the deck of our rental in Wyoming. The boys are hiking without me today and I’m wishing I had gone. My companion, loneliness is sitting on my chest. I’m struggling being here without Aiden and being alone has nudged me to that emotional line.
He is everywhere, but nowhere.
There isn’t a place in the world he would love more than right here. With us- where he was always happiest. That I am sure of.
I am mourning him terribly today.
It’s been a much anticipated and significant trip in my mind. Not just being the first without him, but possibly the last vacation the remaining 4 of us may be able to take together for a very long time. With graduate school and jobs on the horizon, it makes the likelihood of another vacation with all of us slim. It’s weighing so heavily on my heart.
There is already so much that there will be no more of, I don’t want to think about this being our last vacation time together. I needed somewhere that would be different for us as a family. Somewhere special and wonderful- so we chose this place. The mountains of Wyoming.
I want my boys to experience the breath-taking beauty and peacefulness that we find here. I wanted to do this with them- to see them enjoy something they’ve never seen- rare and wonderful things. Things of God. I pray that a fresh sense of Him will drop down deep into their spirit and take seed. A peace-seed to grow and blossom and make roots. The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding.
A Peace is still so aloof to us, but I want better for my boys. The often forgotten grieving siblings.
I hope as they immerse into this place- it’s challenges and artistry, even it’s frightening obstinance, that if they don’t feel God within them, they may feel His hand and His presence in their surroundings.
It’s where God is for me and maybe it will be for them too. Who other than God could create such majesty from rock, water and dirt?
I want them to see why our material nature is so futile and unfulfilling and there is nowhere better to understand that, than here. The evidence of God is here. This is where God is.
Them sensing that would be enough for me.
I won’t force them into the 4 walls of a church when I myself find little solace, often heightened heartbreak there. I can though, lead them to their Father where I now find Him. It was never my purpose for this trip, but I hope they may gently reacquaint with their God like I will. This way. I hope we are all able, in even the smallest, most personal way, to worship and find gratitude for this life and for it’s Creator through His creation.
That the empty hollow that so dominates our soul, can be filled to overflowing, if even for a time.
“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. – Job 12:7-10“Listen to this, Job; stop and consider God’s wonders. Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash? Do you know how the clouds hang poised, those wonders of him who has perfect knowledge?” – Job 37:14-16