Category Archives: The Faith Struggle

Living In The Gap

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Beyond The Veil, Waiting For Heaven, Missing your Child

  LIVING IN THE GAP- Insight on the disconnect grieving parents feel interpersonally and spiritually in the unrecognizable world they live in.  I remember scuba diving years ago and being very deep. We were in the Caymens and exploring farther out and deeper down. It was glorious and exhilarating! A stunning new world we were discovering together. We were exploring down the side of an underwater cliff when the sea floor seemed to disappear beneath us. We had reached a fissure so deep and so wide the bottom was undetectable-miles and miles down. My earth-dwelling instincts made my heart start, feeling … Continue reading →

Spring Keeps On Singing

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His absence is a dissonant reverberation in the very heart of my soul. Always there, always droning. I realize it’s song is one with me now. Not in me, but part of me. The thick wires of the instrument vibrating continuously. Sometimes a low hum, other times a pounding orchestration of missing, anger, confusion, pain, shame, fear and longing that thrashes and shreds from within. How terribly awful the proof of one’s unconditional love can be. Ceaseless crazy love. Something like that woke me this morning. It was not the usual beeping of the bus at the corner. It was … Continue reading →

So, how was your Thanksgiving…really?

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Thanksgiving, holidays after child loss, grief during holidays, holiday grieving, life without your child,

If you are one that needs the silver lining, or the big positive spin at the end, this post is not for you. Really. If you’re offended by a little  profanity, click the “X” and skip this one.   “So, how was your Thanksgiving…really?” Year #1 Thanksgiving. As most could only imagine, it was unimaginable. Like nothing I ever thought I could survive. The waves of drowning grief were riding in like a raging storm- punishing and relentless. We were still coping hour to hour. Simply existing was agony. I hosted Thanksgiving. We cooked, we ate, we drank, we did. I ducked … Continue reading →

After Bad Things Happen To Good People

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Bad things happen to good people, Hope is what tethers us to faith. hope of reunion with Christ and our child, child loss, grief

After Bad Things Happen To Good People By most standards we would be considered “good people”. We are also the good people who a horribly bad thing happened to. Walking, breathing proof that bad things do happen to good people. I’ve heard, “When I’m having a bad day, I think of you and what you must have to go through everyday and I don’t feel so bad.”  As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want to be the poster-Mom for how bad your life could be. (Look at her and count your blessings!) I will never understand this and we … Continue reading →

What I’ve Learned Since The Loss of My Child Pt. 2

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Finding joy after child loss, loss is a continuous experience,

  The sun was high and radiant, the lake gleaming and alive.  Flickering prisms of light danced across the surface of the afternoon water. This is our ‘good’ time of year-summer. The humming motor is such a comforting sound as are everyone’s voices. Friends and family. I have Noah near me today so my soul is happy. We’re all smiling and laughing- I’m content even. He is surfing on the wake behind the boat and I’m thinking of how beautiful he is and how grateful I am for him. I’m so happy in that moment as words trickle through my … Continue reading →

What I’ve Learned Since the Loss of my Child Pt. I

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What I've Learned Since The Loss of my Child

I was laying down the other night in his spot, which is also my spot. That side of the couch where he liked to lay down when we watched our shows, The Voice, Face Off and Fringe. We so looked forward to those nights-homework, shower, a snack and one of our shows. I loved that we had this routine and quiet time together. I can see him now like it was yesterday. It hurts so much to even watch a commercial for one of those shows. Yes, still. I’m staring blankly at the ceiling fan circling around and around, entranced somewhat by it’s motion as I think of … Continue reading →

When Nothing Touches Your Soul, You’re Not Alone.

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When nothing touches your soul, You are not alone,

“I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to answer… Where I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — Love — the word — it brings nothing. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.” These are the words of Mother Teresa. Her words have mirrored my thoughts. How can that be? She is Mother Theresa, the embodiment … Continue reading →