The Question of “Why?”

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Why do bad things happen?

I promised that this blog would be “real”. Real struggles, real victories, real thoughts and feelings- good, bad or ugly. No unicorns and fairy dust here. My struggle moment to moment. This is a tad long, but hang in….I will turn it around, promise. As a Christian, there are certain things I believe to be true- the Bible, first and foremost.  Praying is supposed to work too. I’m not a fairy-tale Christian that believes everything I ask for comes true and I get the perfect ending I pray for. I know very well that sometimes the answer is “no”. But … Continue reading →

“She Speaks”

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My new creed for life, “Believing against the grain”, includes “I believe God has work for me to do”. Even believing the tenants of that creed can be impossible some days but something amazing happened this week and I’ve experienced a tiny glimpse of what that may look like and I’m so excited about it! Just typing those words “I’m so excited” seems strange. Wonderful strange, when I never dreamed I would be able to feel anything remotely resembling excitement at this point. Mary told me a couple months ago about the “She Speaks” conference happening in July. It is a … Continue reading →

If Love Were Measured In Pain

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love pain grief

I was reading some journal entries from a few weeks ago and came across this and thought it was worth a share. I honestly would like to know if anyone can relate to this? Here it is, unedited. Sometime in June…. “It was brief but memorable- a couple moments last week, before all the graduation festivities and people came to town, I felt some relief from the pain. Maybe it was busy-ness or distraction? My abdomen didn’t hurt and I was looking forward to something-having family come in. I felt “better”, lighter. But I was immediately hit by this terrible … Continue reading →

Gratefulness in Sorrow

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I think often, almost daily, about what people have done for us- the kindness and love that was extended to us from so many people. Even in the first days, which are so hard to even think about right now, I remember feeling warmth and gratitude. What a welcomed feeling. An unimaginable feeling for the time, really. It makes me think of people who may have had to do this without that kind of support and I hurt for them. I can’t imagine it. These people, some close friends, some barely acquaintances may have no idea the impact their gestures … Continue reading →

Believing Against The Grain

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believing against the grain

“Believing Against The Grain” is central to my personal healing process and more importantly, my sanity. Enough so that I tattooed it on my forearm facing me so I could see it all day long, everyday, for the rest of my life. Pretty darned important. What I didn’t foresee were just how many people were going to ask me what it meant and how completely inarticulate I would be at explaining it. Embarrassingly inarticulate. Why? I have no idea. Maybe when something is so personally paramount to  your well-being and your future, it’s just hard to explain. I’ll do better … Continue reading →

Making Room

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making room

I don’t know if any other bereaved Moms can relate to this emotion or not. For weeks and weeks it bothered me that Aiden’s locker at school was sitting there with his personal belongings in it. The thought of that was very disruptive to me-that his things were scattered about and not right here with me. I needed his things with me. I hated that some friend or kid at school could possibly go in there and take something or in any way disrupt his “space” there at school. It really weighed on me and frequently interrupted my thoughts. The problem was … Continue reading →

Homesick

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I decided to take us off the schedule for 2 WHOLE days while N was away in NY so we could get a change of scenery and spend some time together. Jill recommended a great area in the western part of the state because of the hiking trails and the cute little towns. So we headed out-of-town Tuesday morning with no hotel booked-just decided to check a couple of towns and places out in-person. I was really looking forward to going away-something different, something away from here and away from the daily grind that grinds so much worse now. We have not spent … Continue reading →