When A Community Grieves

When a community grieves along with a family it is elevated far above simply a place where people live and shop and go to school. I have seen this with my own eyes and it is a beautiful, wonderful thing to behold and an even more wonderful thing to absorb as a bereaved parent.

WHEN A COMMUNITY GRIEVES It was morning. I was sitting down enjoying the rich aroma, and about to take my first sip of coffee. The initial thoughts of the day are always of my son. I could see him like he was there, quietly padding through the kitchen to the sunroom where I now sit, like he did every weekend morning. Thoughts of him are never off my mind. Not for a second. He superimposes every moment of my life. The clenching in my stomach was a little tighter than usual that morning and had been. The “one year” of our tragedy was 2 … Continue reading

Unrequited Need

UNREQUITED NEED I was probably just boarding the plane to get back to face it. The unimaginable. By the grace of God, I was with N.  We were both quaking, sobbing, holding on to one another for life-literally, in fresh shock, while someone wrongly jumped to a conclusion about what happened and posted it on social media. An adult did this. Announcing to my world, to Aiden’s world, assumptions about our tragedy without knowing a thing about it. They were wrong, as most people who jump to conclusions and voice it to the world are, but it started a chain of the most irresponsible and damaging … Continue reading

Coming Back From Christmas

That is why we go back in our minds re-living the events while inserting our child where he should have been. It takes so much time and energy and there is such a toll we pay, but it's what we do.

COMING BACK FROM CHRISTMAS I do realize the holidays have been over for weeks and I’m not timely-at all. I have found, in the wake of the holidays, that I have spent a lot of time simply being. Being in a chair without the lights or TV on. Just sitting. Waking up before dawn and being at the big window in the back, looking out into the dark of what will soon be day. Another day. Being on a task and realizing I’ve been standing still for quite some time staring blankly into a time that feels like a different life than mine, but it’s not. Being while my mind slowly deconstructs … Continue reading

Finding Thanks On Thanksgiving

Thanks on Thanksgiving, the most powerful love in the world, grief and the holidays

FINDING THANKS ON THANKSGIVING It’s here. The holidays. The streets are decorated with twinkle lights and garland, Christmas carols ring from every store, invitations to Christmas parties and gatherings are arriving in the in-box. Like everything, what used to be such a welcomed joyful time is now something to endure. I find myself wishing away the days…again. Wishing away this at least. How many masks am I going to have to put on over the next few weeks? I can’t give advice because I am doing this for the first time. The first of everything since the loss of my son. This will be … Continue reading

The Others

Layers of grief

THE OTHERS October 22 I hear the thud of the basket ball hitting the pavement. So close it could be our driveway. A few deep rubbery thuds then the reverberating sound of the ball hitting the backboard and rim, then the thud again . It repeats. Thud…thud…thud…thud… then the voices…pause…clank. This goes on and repeats several times. I smile and sense the peace that comes with that sound. He is next door, so close, and outside with his best friend and the others- all such good friends. I hear the laughing and the exclamations. I relax at that sound. He’s close, he’s safe, he’s … Continue reading

Prayer For Perseverance

Prayer For Perseverance. For bereaved parents, the ability to persevere for a lifetime is undeniable.

Prayer For Perseverance I need this prayer this weekend. I want to offer it to anyone else who is struggling through the ever-changing, ever-unpredictable and ever-challenging waters of grief. Stay the course my friends, endure and fight with me. You are not alone. For a downloadable version to save to your desktop or phone CLICK HERE FOR A PDF FILE OF “PRAYER FOR PERSEVERANCE”

This Is How We Go On…October 17, 2015

Learning how to get through the first 's without your chlld.

THIS IS HOW WE GO ON, OCTOBER 17, 2015 It took some time for the reality, the emotion and the images of the weekend to sink in. It kind of hit us mid-week and into the next weekend so I couldn’t really think about writing about it until recently. The week following Aiden’s birthday was heavy and sad. It carried the sorrow that probably would’ve surfaced over the weekend had it not been for the people that were, gratefully, with us continually. But I did show up, like I vowed I would. It was everything it could’ve been-thanks entireley to the people who made sure it … Continue reading

Loss Of A Child Does NOT “happen for a reason”.

Grief is not something that can be fixed. It can only be carried

LOSS OF A CHILD DOES NOT “HAPPEN FOR A REASON”. Loss of a child, or any tragedy does not “happen for a reason”. A friend sent me this article from the website of Tim Lawrence called The Adversity Within. It is well worth a share. I particularly love the idea he so perfectly and simply articulated, that grief is not something we choose to go through or not, or something that we need to be cured of. I have also come to understand that it is, in itself, part of surviving tragic loss. He writes, “You take responsibility for how you choose … Continue reading

Milestones; To Recognize Small Steps of Courage and Healing.

THE REALITY With the significant “firsts” ( his birthday, Thanksgiving & Christmas ) heading our way, I’m feeling a bit unsteady and vulnerable right now. I’m frightened, to be perfectly honest. I’m afraid for so many reasons. Every day is still uncharted territory. Other than  acute awareness of my loss, I never know what’s coming and being on guard for that uncertainty wears on a person. I know that every morning when I don’t go upstairs to wake him for school, Aiden dies for me again. Every ascent up the stairs face to face with his bedroom, he dies. Every time I see … Continue reading

…And She Laughs At The Future

And She laughs at the future… I heard that Proverbs scripture in church this week. It spoke to me, but in a melancholy sort of way. It spoke to me of who I was not. What I am not capable of. I felt that deep in my soul because that is not always how it was, I am not who I was. I not only laughed at the future, I embraced it with open welcoming arms. I am a planner. I planned our future in detail. I loved looking forward to the next year, the next holidays, the next birthday, the next stage of … Continue reading