The Ripple Effect- Secondary Loss

secondary loss, secondary loss of grief, the ripple effect of grief, grief changes your life, loss of a child,surviving loss of a child

You’ve been moving through life. You know there is no “normal” except maybe the new one you are trying to figure out, but you’re carrying the weight of your loss more effectively. You can (almost) control the days you can’t control because you are back to work and everyone expects normalcy. You’ve come to accept that sorrow flows through your veins like the part of you it has become, but you are thinking forward and you even laugh sometimes. It feels good to laugh. You’ve found some reasons to keep going and it occurs to you that you are surviving this thing … Continue reading

What Would You Do, Mom? Grieving a child without your Mother on Mother’s Day.

Surviving child loss without Mom, Mothers day without Mom. What would Mom do?

Last Mothers Day is mostly a non-memory for me. My only recollection is sitting on the back steps of the cabin we were staying at, holding my husband and sobbing on his left shoulder while he talked to his Mom on the phone. I remember stifling my cries and thinking “I know he’s trying to talk to his Mom, but I just can’t stop.” And I couldn’t.  I remember feeling like if I let go of him, I’d sink into the bowels of the earth and never make it out. The sorrow and pain was unhinging me. It was un-Godly every … Continue reading

The Prize Fighter

endurance for grief, child loss, surviving after loss of a child

THE PRIZE FIGHTER I have the unfortunate privilege of being a part of an on-line community of hundreds of amazing and brave bereaved mothers who seek the comfort and understanding of other women who are trying to survive the loss of their child. They seek this comfort largely because there is acknowledgement and understanding. People who “get it” 24/7. There are many common threads in the conversations including the frustration and pain of people trying to push a silver lining into your child’s loss (“But think of all the memories you have!”), being misunderstood because many think there is an end-point in the grief of child-loss, wishing the ones they love could understand what … Continue reading

When A Community Grieves

When a community grieves along with a family it is elevated far above simply a place where people live and shop and go to school. I have seen this with my own eyes and it is a beautiful, wonderful thing to behold and an even more wonderful thing to absorb as a bereaved parent.

WHEN A COMMUNITY GRIEVES It was morning. I was sitting down enjoying the rich aroma, and about to take my first sip of coffee. The initial thoughts of the day are always of my son. I could see him like he was there, quietly padding through the kitchen to the sunroom where I now sit, like he did every weekend morning. Thoughts of him are never off my mind. Not for a second. He superimposes every moment of my life. The clenching in my stomach was a little tighter than usual that morning and had been. The “one year” of our tragedy was 2 … Continue reading

Unrequited Need

UNREQUITED NEED I was probably just boarding the plane to get back to face it. The unimaginable. By the grace of God, I was with N.  We were both quaking, sobbing, holding on to one another for life-literally, in fresh shock, while someone wrongly jumped to a conclusion about what happened and posted it on social media. An adult did this. Announcing to my world, to Aiden’s world, assumptions about our tragedy without knowing a thing about it. They were wrong, as most people who jump to conclusions and voice it to the world are, but it started a chain of the most irresponsible and damaging … Continue reading

Coming Back From Christmas

That is why we go back in our minds re-living the events while inserting our child where he should have been. It takes so much time and energy and there is such a toll we pay, but it's what we do.

COMING BACK FROM CHRISTMAS I do realize the holidays have been over for weeks and I’m not timely-at all. I have found, in the wake of the holidays, that I have spent a lot of time simply being. Being in a chair without the lights or TV on. Just sitting. Waking up before dawn and being at the big window in the back, looking out into the dark of what will soon be day. Another day. Being on a task and realizing I’ve been standing still for quite some time staring blankly into a time that feels like a different life than mine, but it’s not. Being while my mind slowly deconstructs … Continue reading

Finding Thanks On Thanksgiving

Thanks on Thanksgiving, the most powerful love in the world, grief and the holidays

FINDING THANKS ON THANKSGIVING It’s here. The holidays. The streets are decorated with twinkle lights and garland, Christmas carols ring from every store, invitations to Christmas parties and gatherings are arriving in the in-box. Like everything, what used to be such a welcomed joyful time is now something to endure. I find myself wishing away the days…again. Wishing away this at least. How many masks am I going to have to put on over the next few weeks? I can’t give advice because I am doing this for the first time. The first of everything since the loss of my son. This will be … Continue reading

The Others

Layers of grief

THE OTHERS October 22 I hear the thud of the basket ball hitting the pavement. So close it could be our driveway. A few deep rubbery thuds then the reverberating sound of the ball hitting the backboard and rim, then the thud again . It repeats. Thud…thud…thud…thud… then the voices…pause…clank. This goes on and repeats several times. I smile and sense the peace that comes with that sound. He is next door, so close, and outside with his best friend and the others- all such good friends. I hear the laughing and the exclamations. I relax at that sound. He’s close, he’s safe, he’s … Continue reading

Prayer For Perseverance

Prayer For Perseverance. For bereaved parents, the ability to persevere for a lifetime is undeniable.

Prayer For Perseverance I need this prayer this weekend. I want to offer it to anyone else who is struggling through the ever-changing, ever-unpredictable and ever-challenging waters of grief. Stay the course my friends, endure and fight with me. You are not alone. For a downloadable version to save to your desktop or phone CLICK HERE FOR A PDF FILE OF “PRAYER FOR PERSEVERANCE”

This Is How We Go On…October 17, 2015

Learning how to get through the first 's without your chlld.

THIS IS HOW WE GO ON, OCTOBER 17, 2015 It took some time for the reality, the emotion and the images of the weekend to sink in. It kind of hit us mid-week and into the next weekend so I couldn’t really think about writing about it until recently. The week following Aiden’s birthday was heavy and sad. It carried the sorrow that probably would’ve surfaced over the weekend had it not been for the people that were, gratefully, with us continually. But I did show up, like I vowed I would. It was everything it could’ve been-thanks entireley to the people who made sure it … Continue reading